Blog: How to support a bottom-placed team

When Oserian FC ascended to the Kenyan Premier League [now the Tusker Premier League] at the beginning of the season, I immediately identified it as the primary team to support.

My decision was not exactly informed by the one match I watched them play in, but by the fact that they had cool green shirts.

Ok, I am kidding, it was their logo-very beautiful.

As misplaced as my allegiance was, so was the team I was supporting-it had no place in the league. And they proved this by losing six of their first eight matches, before going on to BEAT GOR MAHIA and then settling back to losing ways.

Not once was I disappointed, because I was supporting the logo, not the team, and it still stands out to date, even when placed beside AFC’s leopard, Tusker's elephant and Gor's two balls [no pun intended].

That was my pointer #1-support the logo, not the team. That way you can prance around in a green jersey and people would actually think you are supporting the team, when you are indeed just showing off the crest.

#2. When you find a group of individuals who support top-placed teams in an argument, for your own safety, do not join in. Just smile and nod whenever any one of them looks your way, seeking approval for his position. Trust me, if you try to chip in, you will have given them the license to gang up and dispense their frustration on your hapless self.

#3. In the rare event that your favourite team’s match is on television, do not stand on the table and point at your gonads in celebration if you score first. I know, from experience, that the greatest shame one can bear is having the opponent rise from 3-0 down to beat you 4-3. It happens. Even greater shame, is falling to such an unrespectable defeat after you have already exposed your gonads to the critical judgment of top-placed teams’ supporters-They will never forgive you and you will be the joke of the year for years to come.

I have a full list, which I need to patent before releasing to the public; hopefully in December 2075-so watch this space for the remainder.

Don’t you just just feel like you have wasted five minutes of your life reading this? Let me be the first to let you know that you will never get those five minutes back, NEVER!