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KENYA
NIGERIA
Dear Kenya..
Greetings from the country of beautiful women and fine wine.
They all greet you with the disdain of the first world towards the filth that you are.
I will admit.. I am not very happy to be the head coach of your national team, which I struggled to even find on Wikipedia let alone the news.
It is a sad day for me indeed, as I have no other option but to work for your drab outfit.
Having been presented with petitions, offers and counter-offers and followed by your federation president to my Paris home, I will accept the small money you will give me, as I look for pastures greener.
.....
I am not so sure that I can improve your ranking, and you may ask why..
This is because, I have also been told that your best player is a footballer in the second division in France. He has a bad attitude, is a poor man and he sells fish during his free time.
I am used to dealing with the likes of Didier Drogba and Yaya Toure, not small time players.
Added to that, I am also reliably informed that your federation might not pay me the little money they have offered to oil my wheels with.
And that the assistant coach they plan to give me is small in stature as well as in the mind.
.......
But do not despiar, I will do my very best to make you even bigger failures.
I will bring my undoubted experience in killing football teams that I have managed all over the world to you.. Kenya.
However it will be easier for me, as it is said among the few people that know you, that you are already accustomed to failure.
So it will not be a problem working with you at all.
Ooh, I can't wait.
.....
On the threat of viruses and potholed roads, I will spend most of my time in France, as my Parisian family can't cope with your run down country.
I will leave the running of the team to my very able assistant; he knows your best club Mathare United very well..
When around, I will demand free access to the East African Breweries cellar because I hear that they are your national team sponsors.
There, I will drink to my fill and then go on to abuse you profusely for appointing me to this sorry job.
Useless buggers.
....
When all is said and done, I have just one request from you Kenya. Just one.
I am an old man now, just about to retire to my death.
Please do not chase me away like they did at that rubbish place in South Africa.
I helped them so much, just like I did in Morocco, Egypt, and the ungrateful people in Equatorial Guinea, but they still saw it fit to stain my name.
Even if I let you down (And I will) just know that we will be in it together. That I love you so much.
.....
I hope to see you soon Kenya.
Hopefully, we will share in all the bad times that I will bring you, as well as the number of times you will lie to me. I am looking forward to it.
Yours begrudgingly, Henri..
